Where do I end and where do you begin?

Recently I heard from several people who I have a deep regard for.. what I needed to hear.. Something to the effect of..

“Do what you do for your own sake.. not so as to “help the other”. Take care of yourself first.”
“My responsibility is to express what I want. I don’t take responsibility for what the other wants.”
“Unless the other is open to change, you cannot do anything”

I wondered..

– Where do “I” end and where do “you” begin? Who is responsible for the ‘space/ energy’ in between the relationship? Where is the boundary?

– Isnt this sense of ‘me-ness’ the core challenge and is this sense of separation at the root of all pain that we encounter?

And there is then the pain of being connected to everything also. I was reading a lovely book, ‘Daily Afflictions.. the agony of being connected with everything in the universe’ (which reveals the beauty in the darkness as invites us to embrace it)

To look at any situation from a ‘personal perspective’ is fine. But far more ‘real’ is looking at relationships from an ‘impersonal perspective’. Its like looking at it from the ‘Kiran’ lens and then looking at it from the lens of ‘Life’ ..

Life looking at itself! Wow..

As I put this status on fb, some friends asked me to explain and what I wrote was:
Sindhu & Prasanna:
Recently I attended a program on Gestalt by Dick McHugh.. I found it fascinating when he said that often when we ask questions we already know the answer.. Fritz Perls says: “Most questions are simply inventions to torture ourselves & other people. The way to develop your own intelligence is by changing every question into a statement.”

And for a person like me who reveres questions so much it shook me up and revealed a new truth. So try it.. And then I will say what i have to The very fact that you ‘liked’ what I have written you have already contacted the inteliigence intuitively. Is it not?

Valerie responded with wise words which I found useful:
i think you are asking good questions Kiran.. but maybe not taking in the ‘why’ of people mentioning this to you. While it can be wonderful to feel Oneness with everyone and not have firm boundaries (this can be in the most positive way, a state of bliss) – there are also huge benefits to being centered enough in your Self to know what IS yours, what is others’, and what are the boundaries there. Once this is clear and these elements can be identified clearly without confusion regularly (like knowing what IS yours and what is projection onto you, spillover from others’ thoughts and feelings, etc) – then it is much EASIER to give up the Self. But you have to be clear what that is first …otherwise you may be trying to ‘give up’ or release something that isn’t yours. And this won’t work as it isn’t yours to give up!

the beckoning..

a walk,
some talk
a contact with the immeasurable
the immensity of no-thingness

such laughter
when I was young, we had a grocery shop
he says, and I used to take money from the
box where my mother used to keep
with her knowing and buy the goodies

a simple question..
is there something beyond presence, oneness,
a long pause
and then he had goosebumps..
as he said ‘nothing’ ..
and silence..

he had to pause to sit and
allow tears and laughter to flow..

stay with that,
I said..
And then after a long pause we spoke..
Or was it that that spoke..

Can we ever be lost?

I shared with him the story of the
Mother and the kids who were lost

As we stepped out with our laptops to
Hear and share some songs that were evoked
By these special moments..
That made us contact the ordinary miracle..

I told him,
Lets sit at a place where
We don’t come in the way of people
But they can still come our way

at chinmay vibhooti
in the midst of a retreat for teachers on
mindfulness in education..

we danced..
we sang.. we spoke and listened.
and how..

How Love mocks us to be free..

When we experience love in close relationships and we allow it to flow in its totality, each time we will see that the depths of love are ..

a unique combination of many flavors and colors.. which can be variously described as motherly, friendly, fatherly, ‘lover-like’, sensual, serving the other, platonic, disciple-like, child-like… what have you…

But our deep conditioning over the ages from this thing called ‘society’ restricts the free flow of this beautiful energy by confining it into neat boxes of parent-child, husband-wife, guru-shishya, friend-friend … so that we can ‘manage’ this and be ‘appropriate’ .. and that ‘categorization’ has a place and validity..

And yet..

Not until we are willing to experiment and experience freely and play all out.. do we experience and receive the incredible beauty of this energy called love.

True love does not disrespect society and yet has a playful irreverence for all the norms and rules that want to tame it. It wants us to discover its wildness and mocks us lovingly, dares us tenderly to feel it, to be it totally.

And each time we walk through a fear that keeps it confined and defined, we are vulnerable .. and there is a breath of fresh air, delight and pure flow.

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